So I’ve been feeling like crap the past couple days. Sluggish, run down, headaches, all I want to do is sleep or lay on the couch with a blanket. I’m not sick. After thinking about it I realized that I haven’t made myself coffee in four days.
I learned something in the wee hours of the morning (2AM) as I was stuffing my face with Oreos (okay, four oreos) brought on not by hunger or desire for something sweet, but by stress since my one year old has five-six teeth coming in; a few poked through but are reaching their max width point so you know it’s still painful as hell.
Screaming and crying is the music to my ears the past couple nights. Broken sleep and mentally screaming myself because I’m trying everything I can to help but it is still a fight. I am LE TIRED *whines*
So as I waited for the bottle to warm up, blinked and realized all my cookies were gone, I developed a stomach ache.
Stress eating is bad.
It is so weird to go through someone’s dead very personal things (clothes, closets, notes, photo albums, etc) and find out another side of them that you never once imagined in your wildest dreams every applying to them.
Sadly my Mother In Law passed away shortly before my son’s first birthday; I really wish that she would have been able to meet him in person before then but her amount of animals made it impossible. While we are here at her home taking care of all her personal belongings and legal documents, it is just so weird as I said to discover a new side of them that they never displayed in person.
As I’m packing up her photos, poems, little writings, etc, I am seeing a new side of her that she kept hidden from the world and never expressed to others for possible fear of vulnerability or weakness (I assume). It makes me spontaneously bust out in tears that I never once expected from myself.
In some ways what I’m finding is making me jealous. She kept everything from temperature charting for Jeremy’s conception to toys from Jeremy’s youth. Things that my Mother hasen’t kept and has said “well I have some photos from birth but your Aunt yada yada someone elses fault” excuses rein. Not that I’m upset or hate my Mother for, just that slight jealous feeling of someone loves and cares so much about you that they want to keep and share those things with you even 30-some years later.
I may not have gotten along with my Mother In Law for the most part, but I will miss her. I keep expecting her to walk around the corner of her home as I sit here typing, commenting something about Jeremy or what I’m doing. It’s just so odd.
The dead is something that you never truly get used to.